Showstopper
by Wonktastic
Summary: In which Joker decides to summon his new persona. Hilarity does not ensue.


Akira's personas were weird. Like really weird.

That wasn't to say that their personas weren't weird either. After all, Captain Kidd was a hilarious parody of a pirate with a cannon for an arm, Zorro was way too buff for his own good and wrote his Z's backwards, Carmen had eyes in the strangest places and was most definitely a dominatrix, Goemon had a damn pompadour, Johanna was a fucking motorcycle, Necronomicon was a UFO, and Milady had goddamn chain guns hidden in her skirt.

No, they knew that their personas were weird as hell.

But even still, Akira's personas were weird.

It wasn't all that bad when it was just Arsene. Arsene was some weird emo looking angel guy, but all in all, his appearance was sleek and stylish. Definitely something you would expect a Phantom Thief to be. Arsene carried himself (itself?) with swagger and charm.

But of course, Akira just had to have the ability to be able to not only kidnap wandering shadows by forcing them down in some really really poorly argued negotiations, he could also fuse the things together to make new personas. When he told everyone about this particular fact, they all called bullshit. Still, Akira just shrugged, said something about being versatile, and continued changing things and fusing things.

Everything started getting really weird when Akira started summoning other personas. After Arsene came progressively stranger personas. Sure, not all of them were balls to the wall "wtf", but the rest of the Phantom Thieves had to agree that the majority definitely were. A few highlights included Mokoi, the dumbass little mummy thing that moped around like a shitty teenager, Onmoraki, the rotisserie chicken with an onion for a head, Sandman, the really shifty looking guy with a moon for a face that looked kind of like he was going to steal someone's child in his bag, Yurlungur, the gummy worm, Legion, the floating massive pile of faces fused together into a tentacled ball of nightmare fuel with a penchant for screaming thousands of profanities at once in various languages, and…

Well.

This one.

It was a particularly tough battle. They had finally reached Shido's palace, and all they needed to steal his treasure were five letters of introduction from Shadow Shiro's trusted lackeys. This particular one just wouldn't go down. He was already scary to begin with. The Shadow Yakuza Cleaner was muscled beyond belief with gang tattoos covering his arms and a self confident smirk that said he wasn't afraid of breaking a few kneecaps. Then he turned into some black, masked monster carrying a deadly double sided halberd.

They had already thrown just about everything at it. Lightning bolts, fireballs, giant trees of ice, literal nuclear bombs, but nothing seemed to work. The monster would shrug it off and just slam them harder.

Ann fired off another pillar of fire, only to watch the shadow sidestep it, and slam his polearm into Makoto, sending her flying away and crashing unceremoniously into the wall. The shadow quickly stepped back, and avoided the massive explosive launched from Haru's grenade launcher. An arrogant smirk came to the shadow's face as Morgana launched a wave of wind at it. It simply sat there and took the blow without even a slightly pained look.

"Dude, this does not look good," Ryuji muttered to their leader.

Yusuke zipped forward with a deadly slash of his katana, but was met with a massive polearm to the face, sending him sprawling. "I happen to agree with that," he moaned, slowly picking himself off of the ground.

Akira just smirked. "I have a trump card."

With a stylish twirl, he stretched his arm forward towards the shadow.

"Persona!"

A blue card appeared behind him. A scythed chariot emerged from the card, its vicious teeth jawing up and down searching for something to dismember. From behind tentacles waved about, slamming themselves to and fro. And on top of the chariot…

Was a giant dick.

Ryuji reacted very naturally. His jaw dropped. "What the fuck."

Everyone else reacted pretty similarly.

Ann made a face somewhere stuck between wanting to slap the bejesus out of Akira and wanting to avoid the mondo wang in front of her.

Yusuke stared at it in awe. He was probably imagining how amazing it would be to capture the massive boner in all of it's glory on a canvas.

Makoto blushed mightily. This was for sure the first time she had ever seen a penis outside of a textbook.

Futaba fainted. It was too much for the poor girl.

Haru stared at the thing as if it were a car wreck. Deep down inside, this was satisfying a very morbid curiosity for her.

Morgana just shrugged. "Okay."

"Mara! Go! Maragidyne!"

A deep rumbling erupted from the giant cock on wheels, and it dipped the head of it's shaft towards the shadow.

Hot lava erupted from the tip-

"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK," Ryuji shouted. "GET IT AWAY, GET IT AWAY, OH GOD, IT'S GOING TO TOUCH ME. I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! I NEED AN ADUUUULLLTTT."

Ann turned around and starting praying. "Lord God, I come before you a sinner, and I humbly repent my sins…"

Yusuke actually started painting. From his initial few paint strokes, it looked pretty good.

Makoto blushed harder. This was an intense moment for her.

Futaba had, at that moment, recovered from her brief unconsciousness only to witness Dong Chariot ejaculate over the enemy. She passed out again.

Haru just kept staring. Years down the line, she would become infatuated with monstrously large weiners, and her sex life would forever be inadequate.

Morgana just shrugged again. "Okay."

The shadow, seeing the giant shlong literally come everywhere, just packed his stuff up and left. Shido didn't pay him enough for this. "Fuck it, I'm out. That's just wrong."

Akira smirked. "The show's over."

* * *

All I do is write dick jokes now.


End file.
